I had an unwelcome visit from my high school boyfriend last night-- in a dream, to be clear. He wasn't himself in the dream. No, he came in the shape of D, who never would have behaved in such a way (violently). D cared only as much as he was able, which wasn't much. He was never jealous, never possessive. That's the realization I was holding onto as I woke from the dream. The high school boyfriend would erupt over predictable things. But why was D playing the part?
Why I chose the ones I did. How each suited me, at the time. The clues were all in the dream. First the stranger I quickly bonded with until suddenly losing confidence. Then the high school boyfriend in the form of D who pressed my photo album to his face and then attacked the stranger in a jealous rage.
I don't believe understanding it better than I do would make a difference. The clues come too late. I am resolved to let sleeping dogs lie. They care too much or too little. They are too present or too far away.
It's a rainy Sunday and I'm drinking coffee. The cat and dog are asleep. I'm content to live a solitary life.